“Mommy Loves You!”

How often, when you really sit down and think about it, have you heard this phrase said to someone in public? It seems to me that this is something normally said in private, for fear of recipient of said statement die of embarrassment. Something uttered at bedtime, when someone is sick, whatever.

Not usually said, oh, I don’t know, while dropping your 12 year old son off at god damn Boy Scouts meeting for an hour. It just feels like a certain “ick” factor is reached when I see this. It smacks as being more for show, than love.

I have seen hundreds of parents dropping off hundreds of children at different events over the years. The large majority of said parents are usually rushed, trying to eat a cold burrito while wrestling younger siblings back into car seats and ignoring a ringing phone lost on the floor of their mini van somewhere.  From my vantage point, the child in question hops out of the vehicle, darts off while the parent in question yells at them about not forgetting something followed up with “I will pick you up in hour! Bye!”.  Then you see a pronounced sigh of relief as they drive off.

Not the Golden Uterus though. Nope. See, the Golden Uterus loves her children more than the average parent. This love for their child usually becomes painfully noticeable when they are single. If the father of said child happens to be the leader/coach/volunteer at said event the devotion show plunges into the cartoonistic.

So next time you get a chance, hang out for a few minutes. Watch the parents interact with their children while dropping them off. If you see a mother who very reluctantly “gives up their baby” for an hour with the accompanied sigh and yelling of “Mommy Loves You!!” as the precious 12 yr old fruit of her loins sprints across the gymnasium, you might be witnessing a Golden Uterus in her natural environment.

Oh, but a word of caution. Don’t get too close. This type of mother will often corner you, trying to make very loud, very saccharine, very insane small talk. This has nothing however, to do with you, and everything to do with showing the leader/coach/volunteer father that the Golden Uterus is a popular and important person. It also may just leave you feeling like you need to shower, again.

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